Advice Ep! Friendship Divorces, Fertility Struggles, & How To Start A Business with What’s Gaby Cooking

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[00:00:00] LM: Hello, friends, and welcome to the Liz Moody podcast, where every week we’re sharing real science, real stories, and realistic tools that actually level up every part of your life. I’m your host, Liz Moody, and I’m a bestselling author and longtime journalist. Let’s dive in. We have got a quickie little advice episode for you today, 30 minutes of Fun, chatty conversation that quickly goes deep because after all this is me that we are talking about.

[00:00:27] I am joined by my friend Gabi Dalkin. She is the woman behind What’s Gabi Cooking? She is the writer of about a bajillion New York Times best selling cookbooks. Her most recent is called Grilling All the Things and it is the perfect book for your end of summer barbecues. She’s also the co founder of Dalkan Co.

[00:00:44] alongside her husband Thomas. They make some of the most incredible spices and seasonings that make every meal so much better. Today, we are answering the questions that you sent in about money envy. We talk about parenting, fertility, friendship, friendship [00:01:00] divorces, which is so important. Such an interesting conversation, managing insecurities, starting your own business, and so much more.

[00:01:07] Gabi is so joyful. I love hanging out with her. I love talking to her. She is so much fun, and I know that you’re going to absolutely adore this episode. So let’s jump right in. One super quick note. I know that 50% of you listening to this episode, do not follow the podcast. Take a second now to hit that follow or subscribe button.

[00:01:26] It is the best way to support the podcast. And it makes sure that episodes show up right in your feed. Go ahead, do it right now. I’ll wait. Trust me, you do not want to miss out on any of our upcoming shows. They are jam packed with science and stories that will change your life. All right, let’s get right into the episode.

[00:01:45] Gaby, welcome to the podcast. Hi. How are you? I am so good. I’m so excited. I have some really juicy Oh, I can’t wait. advice topics to get into. I feel like you’re going to have some very interesting opinions, so let’s just get right into it. We have, I’m having really crazy money envy, even with [00:02:00] friends who have rich parents or higher paying jobs, etc.

[00:02:02] The economy is obviously exacerbating this, but I would love any tips on how to work through this internally.

[00:02:08] GD: Oh, my God. That’s a great question. Listen, what’s the saying? Comparison is the thief of joy. I think it is so hard to move beyond that because you’re like, Oh my God, this person’s in Italy and they’re here and they’re that.

[00:02:20] And you’re like, I want to do all that too. But you can’t let that noise get in the way of your own joy. So how do you move past that? I think you have to really it. Be intentional about what’s making you happy and spend the time doing those things that don’t cost a bajillion dollars. And also remember that what people are putting on social media, while it looks incredible and I’m sure it costs an arm and a leg, it doesn’t mean that they’re happy on the inside.

[00:02:45] So, finding what it is that gives you joy that doesn’t cost a lot of money are things you should invest in and then you try and block the rest of it out.

[00:02:52] LM: It’s so hard to even know though, like, what are the things that are gonna make me happy because we are so bombarded with the external [00:03:00] messaging.

[00:03:00] GD: Listen, social media is a drug and I am actively trying to scroll less and just consume less because I think it’s really easy to compare yourself to everyone else and it’s not a healthy mindset. How are you doing that? I set aside times, obviously what’s got me cooking is very digital, I’m still responding to every DM, I’m responding to all the blog comments, TikTok, blah blah blah blah, but like if I’m around Poppy, my phone’s not.

[00:03:26] around. I’m not looking at it, and I try and just block out times to do it, so I’m not constantly doing it for 12 hours a day. Do you ever get jealous? Sure! People were drinking spritzes in Italy all summer long, and I was pregnant, and I’m like, that looks incredible, but that’s just not my reality right now.

[00:03:42] I’ll do that one day.

[00:03:44] LM: Yeah, it’s interesting. How did you know what a good life looked like to you? Like, how did you figure out what your dream life was? Oh, my

[00:03:51] GD: gosh. Wow. That’s a deep question. I think it was a lot of trial and error. I know who I’m happiest around and I try and [00:04:00] build my life around being around those types of people.

[00:04:03] It fills me up. I think I exude more happiness when I’m in those kinds of situations. So I’m very thoughtful about that. I’ve also had a handful of friendship divorces, if you will, that I have done intentionally because I’m leaving situations and they’re not filling me up and they’re making me feel Less than or whatever it is and I’m like these are not the kind of people I need to be around It was becoming a mom you have less time for all the bullshit and you’re like, I don’t want to be around that person Do you tell the person?

[00:04:33] No, I mean, I probably could handle it a lot better. I’ve had, well, like, I’ve had three friendship divorces. Two of them I was like, this is not it. Like, there were things that happened and I was like, I’m done. One of them I just kind of ghosted.

[00:04:48] LM: But like, my life’s better because of it. That’s so interesting.

[00:04:51] So if you’re out there listening and you have these people who are continuously making you not feel good, like you’re saying, I did that, I cut them out, and I’m happier for it. [00:05:00]

[00:05:00] GD: It’s good on the other side. And our time is valuable, like we’re busy, we’re working, some people are parents, you’re trying to see your friends, you’re trying to see your partner, whatever it is, you’re trying to take care of your mental health.

[00:05:10] It’s not worth it to spend time with people who aren’t like making you feel better, like making you feel happier. I look at almost every situation like that now.

[00:05:18] LM: I will say I relate to this person a lot. I have a lot of money envy myself. A hundred percent. The thing that pushes on those buttons is social media.

[00:05:26] And the more time I spend on social media directly, the worse I feel about the house that I live in, about the car that I drive. And then I’ll step back and be like, wait, I don’t care what kind of car I drive. Literally at all. I want a big screen so that I can like see the maps and that’s it. And a seat warmer.

[00:05:41] I think a seat warmer is the most luxurious thing on the planet. I have a. We have that too, we got that in this car. It’s my first time I’ve ever had it. I never use it because I’m always in the warmer, but my husband likes it. That’s

[00:05:51] GD: fair, but also you don’t live in 175 Valley heat in the summer. No, no, but I

[00:05:55] LM: still would have it on.

[00:05:56] But I just like, it makes me think that I care about [00:06:00] things that I do not actually care about when I step back. And so I do think almost being a detective for your life and saying what are the times that I actually feel really filled up that I actually feel really happy. Maybe sometimes those times cost money, but I think about this with travel all of the time.

[00:06:13] Social media is having a really negative effect on travel because people are going to the same places. They’re destroying a lot of the local culture. And completely just overwhelming it to a point where it can’t handle the capacity. And then also they’re just like going and taking photos and that’s what they’re looking for out of the trip is to show off the trip rather than experience the trip.

[00:06:35] GD: Well, that’s why you have to remember that social media is not real. Like these people that are doing that kind of stuff. And if you talk to the locals, they’ll will say exactly what you just said. Like all these incredible small towns in Italy are just like, Over. I was talking to the driver in Italy and he was like, people ask me to drive them to this one cliff to take a photo over the ocean and then drive them back to the hotel.

[00:06:57] They’re not exploring. They’re not doing anything like that. [00:07:00] They just want this one specific photo. That’s not real to me. You are painting a picture on social media that is not your real life. Are you really happy? That’s what I mean when social media is not necessarily real. And

[00:07:13] LM: we’re going to do a whole episode for how to minimize your phone usage, how to break up with your phone.

[00:07:18] So look out for that if you’re listening. Because I do think that’s the number one thing here. I really do think it’s the number one problem. And being a detective for like what actually fills you up in your life. Okay. I’m having a baby soon and everyone everywhere tells me your life will never be the same.

[00:07:32] Your relationship with your partner will never be the same. Is this true? How do you deal with this? No. It’s such bullshit.

[00:07:39] GD: Um, Listen, I am not someone who made my identity being a mom. I think that is a lot of people’s identity. For me, going through 175 years of fertility problems and 10 miscarriages, I learned very quickly not to put all my importance into a being [00:08:00] pregnant or Having a family, being a mom, because I didn’t know if it was a reality for me.

[00:08:05] People would ask me, how do you handle miscarriages? How do you handle all this disappointment? It’s because I had all these other incredible things going in my life. I had an amazing partner. I have an amazing job. I have amazing friends. All these different things that All fill my bucket in different ways.

[00:08:20] None of that got lost when I became a mom. Like Thomas and I’s relationship is better than ever. And I actually think we’re probably less bored now. We would wake up so late on a Saturday. I can’t remember what that feels like. It was so nice. I think back in the day, but I don’t like, it’s so much more fun now.

[00:08:37] So, no, I don’t think it’s, I don’t think you lose anything if you don’t want to. If you wanna, if you wanna just change your life entirely 180 degrees and just do that, go for it. Be my guess. Like I think that does make a lot of people happy. I have friends that are like that. It’s just not who I am.

[00:08:51] LM: Do you have any specific tips for making sure you don’t lose anything other than that diversification of identity before you actually have the kid?

[00:08:58] GD: Well, I definitely think [00:09:00] that is important, but when you have a kid, your first couple months are touch and go. You’re in the fucking weeds, your boobs hurt if you’re breastfeeding, it’s dark, but there’s an adjustment period and just know that you’re coming back to yourself eventually, it’s going to take a minute to figure out a routine, get your kid to a place where they can sleep through the night and you’re not totally sleep deprived, find a nanny, find a preschool, find daycare, whatever it is, but just know there is a point on the other side where things get better.

[00:09:26] LM: And your relationship with Thomas is actually better?

[00:09:28] GD: Yeah, Thomas and I work together, we parent together, and he’s my husband. Like, we’re in it together all the time. Our communication has gotten so much better since having a kid, two kids. There’s no room for not communicating. If something’s bothering one of us, you have to be super upfront about it right then and there because there’s too much else going on to, like, dwell on it and let it fester or anything like that.

[00:09:52] So we’ve both gotten really good about being expressive of what we need.

[00:09:56] LM: Specifically, what did you use to get wrong about communication, and can you share a [00:10:00] specific communication tip that you guys employ now?

[00:10:02] GD: If I would get upset with him, or he did something that bothered me, I just wouldn’t say something.

[00:10:06] I’d just let it sit inside me, and I’d go to bed, and I’d think about it the next day, and I wouldn’t really worry about it. And I would be like, who cares? We’re fine. We’re going to go out for dinner in two days, and we’re going to move past this. Now, if he does something that’s upsetting, Like he did last night when we were going to bed, it was like 9 45 and he brought up some work stuff.

[00:10:26] But I was like, I don’t want to think about this at 9 45. How dare you bring this up before I close my eyes? And I told him, I told him right then and there, these are the conversations we’re having in bed or while I’m brushing my teeth. We’re going to have these conversations either first thing in the morning when we wake up before Poppy wakes up or once we get her to school, once we’re sitting down at our desks and starting to work, this is not okay.

[00:10:46] And he was like. You’re right. Like that was f’d up of me to bring it up because now you’re going to be thinking about it while you fall asleep. I’m going to think about it. We’re very open about that communication. Did I say it in the nicest way? No, I was probably a total bitch, [00:11:00] but we’re okay this morning.

[00:11:02] We talk a lot about parenting and like how things we say will affect Poppy and how we handle different situations or we’ll see something from a friend who’s parenting and we’re like, let’s not do that because I think that is going to cause more therapy for that child later in life. That’s unnecessary therapy.

[00:11:19] We

[00:11:19] LM: try and stay toe to toe about that. And then you said that kind of one of the things that you took away from your experience with Infertility, with 10 miscarriages, with IVF, all those things, was not to get overly attached to this identity as a mother. What else did you learn from that experience?

[00:11:36] GD: Oh my gosh.

[00:11:37] It’s my favorite topic. I love talking about fertility. I learned that science is incredible and the fact that we have access to that is a gift. It’s so cool and that there’s quite literally nothing wrong with you if that’s what you’re going through. Yeah. If you keep miscarrying, you can’t get pregnant, there’s nothing wrong with you.

[00:11:57] It’s just bad timing, or [00:12:00] your eggs aren’t where they need to be, sperm’s not, whatever it is, you’re doing everything you can do, and maybe that’s just not the way you get pregnant. I didn’t think we’d get pregnant naturally either time, so I was like, cool, IVF’s a great option, let’s figure out how to make this work for us.

[00:12:16] LM: Okay, I have an IVF question in a second, but I do want to Say to anybody listening, what I like about what you’re saying is I do think there’s a lot of scary stuff online about becoming a parent and how it’s basically gonna like destroy your life, destroy your time, all that. And so I do want to like linger momentarily on people who have positive stories about it because I do think that I love the honesty, I love that we’ve created a safe space for all of that, but like as you Somebody who hasn’t had kids yet, I’m like, is this going to absolutely destroy my life?

[00:12:44] Which is what I think this listener is

[00:12:46] GD: worried about. I think I’m too positive sometimes. Like I think it can sometimes be annoying. I just don’t dwell on things. Is my life harder now that I’m a parent? Sure. Like, is it more financially [00:13:00] stressful? Yeah. Like those kids are expensive little things. You just roll with it.

[00:13:06] We talked about friendship divorces. There was no time for that kind of negative energy in my life after becoming a mom. And that has in turn given me energy to put into Poppy, or nameless child number two, who I have not named yet. It’s also like our brains are so powerful. You just make room for new things and keep going.

[00:13:22] LM: Yeah. Okay. I’m starting the first round of IVF on Monday and I’m nervous but really excited. Can you share your best tips? Congratulations.

[00:13:30] GD: That’s huge. IVF is amazing. So hopefully this person listening found an incredible doctor who speaks to them in English rather than science. Because like I said, science is amazing, but that’s not how most people interpret words.

[00:13:44] I would say to give yourself a ton of grace, to keep yourself busy, but not too busy. Like, don’t just stay at home for the next 10 days worth of shots. Go out and see your friends. Keep your mind busy. Because if you’re not keeping your mind busy, [00:14:00] It’s a lot to think about doing shots for 10 or 12 or 13 days and then doing a retrieval and then waiting five days to see which made it to the blastocyst stage and all the ones that fertilize and all that kind of stuff.

[00:14:12] So you’ve got to keep your mind busy. I found that when I was doing my two rounds of IVF or my retrievals, Staying busy at work, giving my body grace, self care, massages, facials, all that kind of stuff was great.

[00:14:26] LM: Okay. We have another question that’s, I’d love help on how to feel genuinely happy for friends who are expecting while we are going through our IVF journey.

[00:14:34] They asked us to host their shower on the day that we found out our last transfer failed and I’m trying to be supportive in this

[00:14:39] GD: exciting time, but it’s hard. That’s brutal. Do we think this person was open about their struggles? When we were going through it, I was very open with my friends of what we were going through and it gave me freedom to like, it was okay to be sad and I think people asked less of me during those moments.[00:15:00]

[00:15:00] I also found it really liberating to talk about all the miscarriages on social media with my friends, with other medical professionals, all that kind of stuff because it normalized how much of a bummer it can be. If that was me, I would probably. Be super honest and just say, I’m not in a place where I can do this right now.

[00:15:17] Like I have to take care of me first and I’m so excited for you and I can’t wait to celebrate you because one day I will get there, but I can’t host this.

[00:15:24] LM: Did you have a hard time being happy for your friends if they were getting pregnant and stuff when you were going through all of this?

[00:15:30] GD: I don’t think I had a problem being happy for them because quite literally all my friends had babies while we were going through this.

[00:15:36] We were the last ones for sure. It just always stung a little bit when someone was like, I got pregnant the first time we tried. And I’m like, fuck you. How does that work? You’re so lucky. But I never resented them. I was just like, God, that’s so nuts that you can have sex once. And I’ve been having so much sex and I can’t get pregnant.

[00:15:59] Like, it’s [00:16:00] wild to think about that. But again, I remember I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s just not the right time for us right now.

[00:16:07] LM: Is there a better way they could have told you they were pregnant? Everyone was pretty gentle with me because they all knew about it. If somebody was listening and they want to be gentle with their friends when they’re telling them they’re pregnant, what would you recommend?

[00:16:20] GD: I’m an advocate for being really open with your friends if you’re going through some fertility issues up front. So if they do get pregnant randomly, they know where you’re at. I think that’s really helpful just so they can also gauge where your head’s at. If maybe you’re acting funny at a dinner party, let them know why.

[00:16:36] In today’s world, I will tell them early. And I’m like, this isn’t a guarantee. All my transfers failed, by the way, but like we did a transfer and hopefully this sticks, no celebrating, but here, I just want you to know where we’re at. Like, I was just kind of upfront about all that.

[00:16:51] LM: When did you feel given all of that, like you could celebrate when you got pregnant?

[00:16:57] GD: I waited to announce both of my [00:17:00] successful pregnancies till I was well past 20 weeks. Until you do that 20 week appointment, nothing is guaranteed. I know 20 people who’ve had to terminate after 20 weeks because they found a birth defect that would never have lasted past being in the womb. For Poppy, I didn’t really celebrate until we had her.

[00:17:15] I was very nervous the whole time. But not anxious.

[00:17:19] LM: I just knew it could end. Is there anything that you did to comfort yourself during your pregnancies to make yourself feel like not on edge the entire time? I

[00:17:30] GD: surrounded myself with really amazing doctors who told it to me straight and I saw them a lot.

[00:17:36] When we got pregnant with Poppy, it was in the middle of COVID, I went to the doctor all the time. And I would go in and look at the doctor or the nurse or the ultrasound tech and I’m like, if there’s no heartbeat, tell me immediately. I want to know first thing, if you see something funny, you tell me. So I was always bracing for that.

[00:17:56] I just wanted an open communication between whoever I was talking to because I [00:18:00] wanted to know what was going on.

[00:18:01] LM: And then you said that having Poppy has only made your and Thomas relationship better. What was the impact of having Poppy? All of the fertility struggles in Aaron Thomas relationship.

[00:18:11] GD: That’s a great question. When we got pregnant the first time, which was years before Poppy, we went to my parents house and told them, and we filmed it. And we were like, oh my god, this is gonna be one of those moments where everyone’s screaming and jumping around, and my parents were like, okay. There was no emotion.

[00:18:27] We’re so excited for you. You think you’re six weeks. Let’s celebrate once you get past 12 or 13. They’re doctors. They know. And it was the greatest gift they could ever have given us. Because we knew right then and there, this is not a guarantee. They know more than we know. My mom went through miscarriages.

[00:18:45] I come from a science background, Thomas does not. So him seeing that from my parents was a real gut check, like a real like, Oh my God, this isn’t a guaranteed type of thing. And I think it really helped him come to terms with the fact that [00:19:00] this is just a numbers game. And I think he did a lot of research when we started miscarrying to inform himself about why you miscarry or what that means on your body.

[00:19:10] And we talked a lot about If he was okay, even though I was the one going through all the medical stuff, I made sure to ask him how he was doing emotionally and mentally and all that. But that’s what built our relationship because we went through that for so many years.

[00:19:24] LM: Is there any advice you would give to somebody?

[00:19:27] In terms of that type of trauma, making a relationship stronger, being able to say that’s what built our relationship instead of we grieved until we drifted apart.

[00:19:37] GD: Thomas and I, when we would go through something as traumatic as a miscarriage that was 8, 9, 10, 11 weeks in, you’re kind of starting to be a little positive, but like, it’s late in your first trimester, which is still quite early.

[00:19:52] Every night after a miscarriage or after a DNC we go out for dinner and like have a great bottle of wine. We really tried to lean [00:20:00] on each other and still celebrate other things happening in our lives.

[00:20:04] LM: I think leaving room for joy And you can feel the pain of the hard things and you absolutely need to to process it, but it doesn’t also mean that there can’t be joy in other things.

[00:20:14] GD: Correct. And I’m of the mindset that you wake up every morning and you choose to be happy. It is easier to be happy and smiley than it is to be sad. upset or sad or hold a grudge or something like that. We both really lean into that in our relationships with each other, relationships with our friends, our business, all that kind of stuff.

[00:20:34] It’s a choice every morning to wake up and be a sunny person. A lot of people would push

[00:20:39] LM: back on that. They would say, Hey, It’s really hard to be happy, it’s much easier to feel miserable, it’s much easier to feel the weight of having a job that I maybe don’t like, having the world be so heavy, all these things, and you say it’s easier to choose to be happy, why do you say that and what would you say to somebody who says no it’s not?[00:21:00]

[00:21:00] GD: It is easier to laugh and smile, it quite literally takes less muscles in your face to smile than it does to frown or grimace or whatever it is. That’s just how my mom raised us. It is your choice every morning how you want to start your day and do I have jobs sometimes that I hate? Sure, but I’m lucky that I have a job, so like that’s a really incredible silver lining that I can always remember.

[00:21:24] LM: What was your line like that when you were going through the miscarriages? Like, this is hard, but what’s the sunny part?

[00:21:30] GD: I have incredible doctors that I know I can lean on. I have a family who supports me. I have a partner who supports me. I have a job that gives me a lot of joy and I get to work on super cool projects.

[00:21:43] So, like I said, I think the fertility piece of my pie was a big piece of my pie, but I had all these other things happening that I could really be excited about. Planning a fun weekend adventure with one of your girlfriends to the beach, whatever it is, doesn’t [00:22:00] have to cost a lot of money, but it’s something that you can look forward to and that will fill you up so you’re not thinking just about, Oh, I just had my seventh miscarriage.

[00:22:08] Like, what is wrong with me? Nothing. It’s just the wrong time. I love that.

[00:22:13] LM: Okay. I’m about to have my first baby and I’m the first of my friends to do so. What is the best way to make new mom friends and find community among other parents? Just get out and

[00:22:23] GD: walk. You’re going to be so bored inside. You have to get out.

[00:22:27] You have to go to the park. I think it’s a huge Benefit to getting your kid, A, outside, B, around other kids to like be social, whether or not they can lift up their head or not. They’re just like in nature with other humans and the park is just a great place to meet people. Walk around, go sit there, put out a blanket and have yourself a little picnic with your newborn just like you have to leave your little cocoon.

[00:22:50] You

[00:22:51] LM: are in, like, maybe the most celeb packed mom group I’ve ever seen in the world. Can I

[00:22:58] GD: ask how that happened? [00:23:00] It was during COVID. I don’t know if we would all have done it if it wasn’t COVID, but we were all Hilary wasn’t a new mom. May May is her third. Hilary

[00:23:07] LM: Duff. Yeah,

[00:23:09] GD: uh, we were You may have heard of her.

[00:23:11] We all had babies like January, February, March of 2021. One of my girlfriends, Mandy, asked if I Mandy Moore. Asked if I wanted to join this class. We got close because we were both pregnant at the same time, not public. COVID. We were both a little nervous. How did you even know each other in the first place?

[00:23:29] We had met through mutual friends years prior. We were just never super close and then becoming moms I think just took us to a whole new level because we just love each other. But she was like, do you want to come to a music class? And I was like, well, who’s going to be there? Like, this is scary. And she’s like, well, we’re going to do it outside.

[00:23:45] But it’s me, Hilary Duff, Meghan Trainor, and a bunch of other people. And I’m like, wait, these bitches are singers. And you want me to go to a music class? For those of you who don’t know, you sing to introduce yourself. What? Yes. [00:24:00] When I tell you Like, hello, my name is, oh my God. Hello, hello, hello, I’m glad you’re here.

[00:24:06] I am Gaby and Poppy is my dear. You sing it. I am tone deaf. My child tells me to stop singing in the car. I am truly tone deaf, and I was like, you want me to come to a music class with Meghan Drainer? Are you high? But it was an incredible way to meet people who are going through the same thing I was going through.

[00:24:28] So, yes, here’s the deal about the celebrity thing. It’s L. A. So many people live here, and if you really think about it, there’s nothing that you go through that they don’t go through. They’re just doing it a little bit more in the public eye, and they’re making a lot more money than all of us. But, they’re just normal human beings.

[00:24:47] And, uh, They’re going through problems just like the rest of us, but, you know, singing in front of them was terrifying.

[00:24:54] LM: Were they like angels as they sang their thing? No, they weren’t even,

[00:24:57] GD: no, but like, were they [00:25:00] on key? Yes,

[00:25:02] LM: and when we graduated from music class to gym class, nothing made me happier than I could.

[00:25:06] Oh, you’re like, we’re in my domain now. Let’s play tennis. We just don’t have to sing anymore, thank the Lord. Uh, that’s so fun. And you guys have also Stayed really close. Yeah. Do you have any tips for, I think a lot of people have like that initial entry into moms, but how do you actually form this like cool type mom group where you’re all really supporting each other?

[00:25:26] GD: Well, I think it’s a really beautiful thing to do is ’cause you’re supporting each other through this crazy year long like transition period into becoming a mom, which is like wild. But for us, what we’ve done is one of us has continued to like host some sort of class. I host taco party, like I host parties where the kids can all come over and swim and then we feed everyone and stuff like that and it’s so nice to give the kids a little bit of social stuff with people they’re familiar with all the time.

[00:25:53] The parents have gotten close since that.

[00:25:54] LM: Do you do it in like a standing cadence type of way, like once a month?

[00:25:58] GD: Well, music class was [00:26:00] once a week, every Sunday for gym class, and now we’ve transitioned to every Saturday for swim class. And I host that, so I make it into a whole thing, and there’s food, and there’s fruit, and there’s drinks, and the kids run around, and they play afterwards, so like, when you become a parent, you realize that like, the weekends are the hardest part, because there’s no school or childcare.

[00:26:18] So Well, how do you fill your day? So having everyone to my house for half an hour, 45 minute swim lessons from 8 till 2 with the teacher just in the pool focusing on one or two kids at a time, you make it to nap time and then you’re on the home stretch when you wake up and it’s just time for dinner and you can go watch some TV and go to bed.

[00:26:36] LM: I also do think that standing dates in general are like the biggest life hack because the decision fatigue of like calling and scheduling and when are we going to do this and we build it. Relationships over extended hangouts over extended periods of time. And so I think just saying like every Sunday this, every Wednesday this, it really transforms relationships.

[00:26:54] I’m a

[00:26:54] GD: big believer of it. Also, like if I text a girlfriend and I’m like, when do you want to hang out? And they’re like, well, we have a free [00:27:00] day in July. I’m like, I can’t. Like, if you can’t hang out next week, like I’m not planning July right now.

[00:27:04] LM: One, I would challenge anybody listening to do one once a month.

[00:27:08] So, um, I think it’s really important that we all have a standing date at a minimum. Like, we all can pick one date a month. Totally. Do a book club. Do a dinner night. Something, a game night. It can be really easy and chill, but I think it changes everything. I

[00:27:18] GD: agree. And it’s so much to look forward to.

[00:27:20] LM: Okay.

[00:27:21] I’d love to know how you react or handle it when someone points out a flaw or something that you dislike about yourself. I have a stain on my front tooth, so I get people letting me know I have lipstick on my tooth. It’s such an insecurity for me, so I just say, thank you, instead of telling them that it’s a stain.

[00:27:34] I’m probably more

[00:27:36] GD: confrontational than most, which is funny, because that’s not how I was raised. But I think being online has made me confrontational. So I have a lisp, you do? Oh, yeah. People love to point it out occasionally. And here’s what I tell them. My lisp is because I’m lazy. And my mom and dad know, like, they clocked it really young.

[00:27:56] And they’re like, we’ll go to speech therapy. And we went twice. And I was like, I’m not doing these [00:28:00] exercises. I was probably seven. And I was smart enough to be like, Nope. Here’s the deal. If you’re making fun of someone’s speech impediment, you have no idea how they got that. Like, maybe they were in an accident.

[00:28:09] Maybe something happened during a dental procedure and someone clipped something they couldn’t control. You have no idea what happened to that person. Yes, mine happens to be laziness. And if I really slow down and think before I speak, it can go away. But that’s not who I am. Who cares? That’s what makes me unique.

[00:28:26] I’ll never name my child something with an S, but like, I don’t, it doesn’t bother me. This is a little bit of a diversion from the question, but people used to ask me, when are you having kids? I really enjoyed starting to throw it back in their face. Oh, I’m trying. I’ve been trying for X number of years.

[00:28:40] I’ve had this number of miscarriages. Like you can’t ask that anymore. So to me. People pronounce my name wrong. I will correct them on national TV. I’m just not afraid of throwing it back there.

[00:28:53] LM: Do you have any insecurities about things in your appearance, things about how [00:29:00] you’re perceived in the world? I mean, sure.

[00:29:03] And how do you deal with them?

[00:29:04] GD: I don’t know if I have a good answer to that. I’m so fortunate that I was raised by a mom who didn’t impress any of that upon me. And sure, she might have had some insecurities about her body, but she never let me see them. And so I never thought about anything like that.

[00:29:20] And I’m trying to do that with Poppy.

[00:29:22] LM: What are you doing with her specifically? Because you’re raising her in LA around people who are very appearance focused, who we live in a world where tons of people are getting plastic surgery, people. are getting Botox in like their teens and twenties and things like that.

[00:29:37] So what are you doing specifically to have her not be focused on those things?

[00:29:40] GD: Even given who some of my friends are, like, we’re not a very appearance forward group. Like, sure, everyone can turn it out for an event or something like that, but if you saw what everyone looked like and what I rolled out of bed for swim class looking like, it’s nothing exciting.

[00:29:54] LM: So you’re modeling that too. You’re saying like, you don’t need to have a full face of makeup to be allowed to [00:30:00] go out in the world.

[00:30:00] GD: Correct. But like makeup’s fun, and if you want to play makeup with your little kiddo friends and paint my face pink, let’s do it. As far as body stuff goes, Poppy sees me naked all the time.

[00:30:11] We talk about how cute her little tush is. We’re just like very build you up, and nothing is weird. I just try and keep everything really positive for her.

[00:30:20] LM: Did being raised as an athlete make you think more about your body in terms of like strength versus how it looks? Or does that cause its own thing?

[00:30:28] GD: No, that’s actually a really great observation. Yeah, my body was my tool for a very long time. I played tennis in college, so being strong, continuing to be strong even today, is really important to me. To have a body, no matter what it looks like, that’s important. Functions is awesome. That is such a gift.

[00:30:46] Have I ever been super skinny? No, do I always have like five or seven pounds that cuz I love to eat chips and guacamole Yeah, and like that’s fine I would rather be happy eating that chips and guacamole with three margaritas than not eating that [00:31:00]

[00:31:00] LM: So final bit of advice for this person who has a stain on their tooth.

[00:31:04] What specifically should they do in the moment? Do you think they should say it’s a stain? No worries. Yeah, I was born with it.

[00:31:10] GD: Who cares like or I drank too much coffee and I have a stain on my tooth It’s part of who I am. It makes me who I am. That’s what I say about my list

[00:31:16] LM: I love it makes me who I am all of these little quirks This is one of my least favorite things about the veneer world that we live in is I do think that Everybody’s face is starting to look more and more the same and all these little quirks, like I love Kirsten Dunst’s smile because I have a little like snaggle tooth too and she has a little bit of one and I’m just like, Oh, that makes her face her face.

[00:31:36] GD: Yeah, and I think there’s a lot of examples out there when people are changing their face and then they all of a sudden don’t look like how they looked. And you’re like, you were so cute before like why invest that money into a trip? That veneer shit is expensive.

[00:31:51] LM: Okay, so it makes you who you are. Yeah.

[00:31:53] And I love that. I love that. I think you’ve got to really celebrate yourself. Yeah, on that. Okay, I think we have time for one more. [00:32:00] I’m thinking about starting a small cookie slash granola business, but I’m scared. Do you have any tips for stepping out of your comfort zone and trying something new?

[00:32:07] GD: Yes. A, I think you have to go for it, and you make it a side hustle until you no longer need it to be a side hustle.

[00:32:14] But B, for people who want to start a business, especially in the food world and the consumer world, it is the most work you will ever do in your entire life, and so you can’t be afraid of that. It is an incredible amount of work starting a cookie company and in, like, Wild work plus you’re going through permitting issues and health regulations.

[00:32:32] You are going to spend more time Not doing the baking. You’re gonna be doing all the business stuff So just be prepared for that and be ready to hustle for years before you see a payoff.

[00:32:42] LM: Where do people start? I’ve looked at people starting businesses. I’m like, where’s literally the first step like you develop some food product in your house But then do you have to go find a cook?

[00:32:52] Packer

[00:32:52] GD: for that what it depends on what it is like there are different places that have cottage laws So you can quite literally make cookies in your home and sell them if [00:33:00] you get the right product for us starting Dalkin and Co We had a ton of learnings because we had partnered with a big company to do the first round of it And then we took it all in house But it took me two years to get Dalkin and Co up and running before I could sell A single product because I had to find the manufacturer.

[00:33:17] I say, I, this was very Thomas. We’re 50, 50 manufacturer, the fulfillment center. Who’s going to ship it soon after we launched, we had to switch that because we were having too much breakage. We had to find a designer. We had to invest some of our own personal money into it. There’s so much that goes into it before you can actually start seeing a profit.

[00:33:38] It was a real passion to get it to where it was.

[00:33:41] LM: If somebody wanted to start a food company, like any sort of actual packaged good that they’re sending out, at the minimum, what do you think they should be ready to invest?

[00:33:50] GD: It depends on the product, but I think the best place to start would be to find like a co op or something.

[00:33:56] Like I know Portland, Oregon has a bunch of incredible co ops where there are six kitchens. [00:34:00] One of them’s rented out one day for the cookie person, one’s for the granola person, one’s for the person making tinned fish, whatever it is. Yeah. Go there and find other people who have started similar businesses to you, not necessarily the same.

[00:34:12] If you want a cookie, maybe don’t talk to the cookie person because they might not give you all the intel, but talk to the person doing the granola and find out their pain points because that’s what you need to be ready for. What were your biggest pain points with the Alkman Co.? Well, the shipping was one of them.

[00:34:27] We went with a big 3PL company that would pack our products and ship them out and it was too big and they weren’t caring about the packaging. We ship in glass because I don’t want to use plastic. So there was a lot of breakage for the first couple months and we found a different 3PL service who is a small business and cares very deeply about consumer packaged goods and does only food.

[00:34:49] And we’ve had almost no breakage since. But that was An expensive mistake to make because we had gotten up and running with one and then we had to switch over to the other. You have to ship [00:35:00] all your product that cost money. Like it’s not necessarily a cheap fix, but in the long run, it solved a lot of problems for us.

[00:35:07] LM: I will say that is A business lesson I had to learn the hard way this year is to budget for mistakes, like budget for spending your money wrong and know that that’s not an exception to the process. Spending your money in ways that you are going to regret later is literally part of the process.

[00:35:23] GD: Correct.

[00:35:23] And like you’re not going to regret it later, but you’re just going to be like, that was 10, 000 I could have spent doing something to like move us forward, not just keep us on par. Yeah.

[00:35:33] LM: Yeah. But that’s part of the process and you need to go in knowing that you’re going to need more money than you think and you’re going to spend money in ways that you’re going to be like, oh, I wish I’d known better, but that’s like literally part of it.

[00:35:45] Yeah. Can you leave us with the best piece of advice that you’ve ever received?

[00:35:49] GD: The best piece of advice anyone ever gave me is you have to ask for exactly what you want. And if you can’t articulate what it is you need and want in that moment, no one’s going to give it to you. [00:36:00] So you have to think about what it is you want, and you have to go out there and ask for it, and if someone says no, find someone who says yes.

[00:36:06] LM: I love that. Can you take a second and shout out your products, your books, anything you want to draw attention to?

[00:36:11] GD: Dolkin Co. is our CPG line. It’s all seasonings. We’re in some new things. We’re launching probably within the next couple of weeks. It’s almost one year old. It’s very exciting, and we have a bunch of cool things happening for holidays, so that’s something I’m super proud of, and my fifth cookbook came out this summer called Grilling All the Things.

[00:36:30] We hit New York Times Best Seller, and that’s my fifth book, and if I’m truly as unhinged as I think I am, I think I’ll probably start writing my sixth one any day. But yeah, those are the things that I’m really excited about this year, and some other fun in person event stuff we’re launching for 2025.

[00:36:46] Ooh, fun. It’s fun. I want to come to one. Come. Yeah. I just feel like being together in real life. It’s so much better than being online. Like, I get it. We all have to make videos and post pictures, but like, you can’t beat the in person. Yeah. You can’t beat in person connection. A hundred

[00:36:59] LM: [00:37:00] percent. Well, thank you, Gabi.

[00:37:00] Thanks, Liz. That’s all for this episode of the Liz Moody Podcast. If you loved this episode, one of the best ways that you can support the pod is by sending a link to your friends, your family, your partner, your coworkers, you name it. You’re helping grow the podcast and you’re helping the people you love change their lives.

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[00:37:55] Oh, just one more thing. It’s the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for [00:38:00] educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, a psychotherapist, or any other qualified professional.